Failed GCSE's

RE: Failed GCSE's

Sarah McGurk — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 20:58:54 GMT

You sound like a lovely uncle. Extended family can be a wonderful help.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 12:37:11 GMT

She has kept a low profile so I have not had a chance to talk to her quietly and on her own. Will sort it later this week!

RE: Failed GCSE's

Niall Taylor — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 11:29:37 GMT

[quote user="Bob Russell"]

The only promising thing is that she does seem to be bothered that I am disappointed.

We just had a hug!

[/quote]

Well, that's quite positive, surely? Have you asked her what she wants to do and if there is any way you can help?

I really feel for you in this situation, my children are just a few years older from the sounds of it

Niall

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 10:02:35 GMT

She came out for a family meal on Saturday. A bit subdued as I suspect she was worried about my reaction. The only promising thing is that she does seem to be bothered that I am disappointed.

We just had a hug!

The boys told me my birthday present was in the back of the boy's van. Turned out to be boxes of my fathers papers and family photographs going back 150 years! We thought they had all been lost but apparently a couple of decades ago they were stored in an old chicken shed that has recently collapsed!!!

Really is another tangent especially when I found graduation paperwork and even the original final year exam papers!! Strange what stuff parents keep!

RE: Failed GCSE's

mariette asselbergs — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 22:44:47 GMT

Twenty years ago british friends of mine in Mozambique had a visit of their daughter and her 7 year old son T. Little T was a very thoughtful obviously intelligent and lovely child. For years we remembered him looking at things and saying slowly "I wonder....".

Ten years later, everybody ended up in the UK, and we visited our friends there, and they were worried about T who had dropped out of school, seemed to have the wrong friends, turned into a thug.

Another ten years have [passed, and next week we'll bury my friend, and after the funeral everybody is invited to a well known and loved local restaurant managed by his grandson T.

Just to say that time often solves the problems which 16 year olds seem to have in the eyes of their elders.

Mariette

RE: Failed GCSE's

Clare Tapsfield-Wright — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 17:59:45 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]

[quote user="Clare Tapsfield-Wright"]I think she should at least get as much as every other student if not more. Might not be obvious like a special need and she may have chosen this path but if there even a chance of helping her achieve her potential then they should make the effort. [/quote]

I'm sure they did make the effort. But she has now failed her exams, and they will have next year's cohort of students to teach. Teachers are already stretched, and expecting them to invest time and energy in a student who is obviously not engaging with them and, strictly speaking, is no longer under their care, is not fair.

While family must continue to support (but not spoon feed), the child has to realise at some point that they are not entitled to anything in this life....they have to go out and work for it. So finding something she is prepared to work for is the key...no?

[/quote] I think in this immediate aftermath and discussion on resits they should. If she will not engage then yes I agree with you.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Gillian Mostyn — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 17:04:02 GMT

RE: Failed GCSE's

Sarah McGurk — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 16:22:20 GMT

I don't have any brilliant advice Bob, other than don't give up. My eldest son scraped through his IB at school and got into university to do computer science, then dropped out after one year, having not been able to face sitting his exams. So he is currently £18,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. So my first advice is don't push towards any further education at university level, even if she can scrape the marks to get in.

I am very fortunate in that my parents have been an enormous help in supporting him as he and they are in the UK and I am not. It is now just over a year since he dropped out. He has a job, which he enjoys, working for a charity and is working towards being self-sufficient.

I can see signs that he is getting past all the anger and frustration that caused him to fight against everything. He is living on his own, mostly paying his own way (though we have now hit up against the university loan, which he is finally starting to engage with) and he is much happier than he was for a long time.

For us the way forward has been to support him, but encourage him towards being self-supporting by setting tiny steps with deadlines and consequences. Back to basics in other words. We have tried to ask him to come up with solutions, rather than impose our opinion or offer suggestions for him to knock aside.

Does she want to go back to school? If not, what does she intend? I think it has to be her choice at this point. It has to be clear that you are not going to support her forever. If she doesn't go back to school, what does she propose? How self-sufficient is she? Does she wash her own clothes etc? (You don't have to answer, just if she isn't, then stopping doing it is a perfect example of an action-with-inbuilt-consequences.)

I quite like this site as it helps to clarify in my head what is going wrong. It is very hard sometimes just to get past the frustration of knowing that if they would only listen, you could help them. : https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/

Difficult though it is, I think sometimes you have to let them fail and fall and learn the consequences. For me there is a fine balancing act between allowing that failure, and trying to ensure my son doesn't get into a situation which might impact the whole of the rest of his life (I am eternally relieved that he doesn't seem inclined towards taking drugs and I am ensuring he isn't made bankrupt for now due to his student loan, though I have set new goals with deadlines and if he doesn't fulfill them, I might have to let that happen too.)

I sailed through school, as did my husband. I find it so hard that my son hasn't. But we are finally getting to a stage when it is looking as if he will support himself, which is my main aim for now. He is choosing his own path, so when things go wrong now, he can't blame anyone but himself. I have a suspicion that at some point, he will work out what he wants to do and will then go and get himself an education, but whatever he does, I mostly just want him to be happy and self-sufficient, and at the moment, he is quite close to achieving both those things.

Speak to the school by all means. But maybe, with your very calm hat switched to its highest level, sit her down and try to talk through what happens next with her. It may be that the school has a counsellor / teacher that she likes, who could sit in on that discussion, if you think that would help.

RE: Failed GCSE's

ruths — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 15:13:49 GMT

And yes, we can get very wound up about exam results etc

I say to my kids that I want them to feel safe and secure in their world, to be kind and auppoetive of others and to work hard to achieve these things

Ecam results don't matter to me one hot as long as my kids look after themselves and others with kindness and compassion.

RE: Failed GCSE's

ruths — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 15:11:17 GMT

Poor girl - it must be hard to be in a family where domestic abuse has gone on

I have found the book 'How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk' very helpful over the years. It works with adults too ;-)

I wonder if she's had a belly full of people 'telling her what to do' ( even if it's fabulous advice) and I wonder about the outcome of yet another person (her brother/ cousin- sorry, I can't remember) coming down to tell her some stuff.

Maybe backing off and listening for a bit will help.

She might have some unresolved stuff that's getting in the way of her committing t stuff.

I know that self esteem issues are a problem in children from DV households. Her mum has done a great job of getting away from the abuser, but may also need some help to feel empowered and able to make good decisions

Hope all goes well for her and you

RE: Failed GCSE's

David Mills — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 13:47:16 GMT

Does anyone else appreciate the irony in title?

RE: Failed GCSE's

Clare Tapsfield-Wright — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 11:42:09 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]

[quote user="Bob Russell"]I have to say an OFSTED 'outstanding' school has offered her little support. I suspect they put the effort into those that are borderline with exams and ignoring those that have real problems.[/quote]

But what has her attitude been? Is she disappointed, and keen to try again? Or is she shrugging her shoulders and just going along with current suggestions? I wouldn't blame the school for focusing their efforts on those students who are putting in the effort..??

[/quote]not sure I agree with you there. I think she should at least get as much as every other student if not more. Might not be obvious like a special need and she may have chosen this path but if there even a chance of helping her achieve her potential then they should make the effort. One teacher alone turned my brother's life around, made him believe in himself and see what he could achieve. The rest of them had written him off as lazy and mediocre at school because he was bored and uninspired and had a disrupted childhood with a bipolar mother and a stepmother who disliked him. Life is easier for some than others.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 11:39:19 GMT

Don't know yet what her attitude is to failing. I fear she may not be as concerned as she should be but a year can be a long time for a teenager so hopefully things will change.

In the short term I will accept defeat and see what happens. Depressing that so many of the friends she spends her time with, have done so well!

Letting the dust settle a little!!

RE: Failed GCSE's

Gillian Mostyn — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 11:22:43 GMT

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 10:44:27 GMT

Apparently she will be able to take functional skills maths and English then go on to take GCSE's over the next year.

In effect she has pretty much put her life on hold for a year. Perhaps much needed growing up space!

I have to say an OFSTED 'outstanding' school has offered her little support. I suspect they put the effort into those that are borderline with exams and ignoring those that have real problems.

We shall see!

RE: Failed GCSE's

Gillian Mostyn — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 17:29:55 GMT

I'll agree to disagree Martin, because our opinions are utterly different on this one.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Clare Tapsfield-Wright — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 17:12:30 GMT

RE: Failed GCSE's

sophiematthews — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 17:00:17 GMT

It depends how motivated she is, I guess. Even without GCSEs there may be work out there for her, but it depends on how motivated and what area she's interested in.

Some local colleges offer in-work courses and low level NVQs without other qualifications or GCSEs in certain areas. I used to work with a student vet nurse who has no GCSEs but did an apprenticship animal care course + a key skills module (+possibly something else?) and then got onto the veterinary nurse training from there. Its a much longer route and required determination, but there are other options from the further education colleges - have you got any locally?

RE: Failed GCSE's

Martin Atkinson — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 16:55:27 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]I think we can all be grateful she isn't your niece then. Give up on a girl of 17 FFS? She likely needs more support, not less. [/quote]Climb off your high horse and lets take the personal aspect out of this with a hypothetical case and nothing to do with Bob's family.

I would give my utmost to help support a niece but there comes a point at which you have to make a choice. If despite all the support you can give, the child will not react positively and if the child's mother/parents are not capable of caring/supporting when does it stop being your responsibility? If she was a disruptive influence on my child I know which one I would support, I would feel no guilt - in the end it is not my problem. But I would feel guilty/a failure if I allowed disruptive influences to become detrimental to my children.

As an analogy: I am skiing with my daughter and my niece (happens actually) and they are buried in an avalanche. If I can rescue both of course I will and I'd risk my life to do it but if I could only rescue one, which one will it be? I think we can all answer that.

As for Bob, I'm sorry that I cannot offer anything more constructive about this girls options, believe me I would if I could and I will not offer any more of my obviously obnoxious views on the matter.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 16:14:42 GMT

In her time she has had to put up with a lot! I really feel for teenagers under quite major peer pressure to be adults long before they need to be.

Social media provides an almost constant stream of advice, much of it bad.

The post started with me asking if anyone actually knew what options were available. Google really was not informative.

Even down to whether it is compulsory to keep taking resits until they pass Maths and English! She is off to the college this afternoon to discuss her options.

However tempting it is to give up on a teenager, it will not happen however bad their self-destructive behaviour may get!

Just really sad!

RE: Failed GCSE's

Gillian Mostyn — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 16:06:44 GMT

[quote user="Martin Atkinson"]Its tough but I think it may be time for you to give up on her not on your own daughter.[/quote]

I think we can all be grateful she isn't your niece then. Give up on a girl of 17 FFS? She likely needs more support, not less. The kids with the most attitude and bravado are often the ones with the lowest self esteem ... finding something that fires and engages her is the most important thing, to give her a future to work towards.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Martin Atkinson — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 15:32:16 GMT

[quote user="Bob Russell"]

Single mother with only close family support from birth. Mother was married to an abusive partner for a few years.

I have been the closest thing to a father she has ever known and for several years they lived under my roof. She is almost a daughter but as the school made clear, I do not have parental responsibility!

[/quote]

Its back to my OP in which I suspected as much from reading between the lines. I think you have to very careful not to feel guilty when none of this is your fault, indeed you have done far more than could ever have been expected of you. Sadly I feel the die is set with this girl and little will change her if your love and devotion hasn't. If it was me my main concern would be the effect she's having on my daughter and that it doesn't lead her into the same spiral that your niece and her mother before have fallen, its amazing how history repeats itself. Its tough but I think it may be time for you to give up on her not on your own daughter.

Sorry again to be judgmental but sometimes we need someone else to see what should be obvious to us, I've seen too much of it from my wife's family. Once again if you think I'm out of order here tell me to F off, I won't be offended.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Bob Russell — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 14:33:30 GMT

Single mother with only close family support from birth. Mother was married to an abusive partner for a few years.

RE: Failed GCSE's

Martin Atkinson — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 14:13:06 GMT

[quote user="Bob Russell"]

Not sure what her options will be as the college is unlikely to take her without the grades. Hopefully they will be willing to allow her to retake her exams in a more grown up environment.

The big concern is that without a change of attitude she will continue to fail.

Daughter did pass her exams with the help of one of her brothers so may see if he can talk any sense into her!!

[/quote]It is very magnanimous of you Bob to be concerned, but where in this are the girl's parents taking the responsibility?

RE: Failed GCSE's

Liz w — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 11:36:24 GMT

This shoulD maybe be a tangent, but apparently at my kids' school they don't give out detentions anymore and bad behaviour is treated by children being sent out the class for them to read a poster on the door telling them to think about what they've done wrong And how they should behave.

Council wide policy apparently.