Order in court please!!

RE: Order in court please!!

Michael Woodhouse — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 22:57:06 GMT

If we open this up to YouTube:

(not as old, but funny)

RE: Order in court please!!

Miriam Lodewyks — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 19:12:39 GMT

There is a recorded version of the lighthouse incident on YouTube - this one is in Spanish. Dunno if it's genuine but it is hil.ar.i.ous!

RE: Order in court please!!

Michael Woodhouse — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 19:22:23 GMT

If we are doing this, anyone ever used a Haynes Manual:

Haynes Manual Translation:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation:RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

RE: Order in court please!!

Lucy Fleming — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 17:55:47 GMT

Snopes is usually the best place to check these things out. It has good information about the picture of workmen installing bollards around their van. Apparently they are removable bollards!

RE: Order in court please!!

Hannah Wynne Richards — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 11:52:21 GMT

Don't be a spoil-sport! The other versions are much more fun!

Wynne

RE: Order in court please!!

Martin Atkinson — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 10:34:45 GMT

Urban myths all of it. Do lighthouses really have radio contact with ships, most are automated and unmanned these days? I thought they just had a big flashy light!

RE: Order in court please!!

Hannah Wynne Richards — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 10:29:16 GMT

Irish lighthouse keepers keep a better look out than either Canadian lighthouse keepers or the Royal Navy.

The Irish are more polite than the Americans. Any other conclusions to be drawn?

Wynne

RE: Order in court please!!

Mark Hedberg — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:24:25 GMT

(as you can see, quite a few versions out there!)

RE: Order in court please!!

Mark Hedberg — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:23:49 GMT

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a Royal Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision.

Irish: Negative, I'm afraid you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British: This is the Captain of a Royal Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

British: THIS IS HMS OCEAN, FLAGSHIP OF THE ROYAL NAVY. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish: This is a lighthouse...your call!

RE: Order in court please!!

Michael Woodhouse — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:22:05 GMT

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on

10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

RE: Order in court please!!

Hannah Wynne Richards — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:18:16 GMT

Please please please let us know the US Navy one

Wynne

RE: Order in court please!!

Julian Earl — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:01:02 GMT

No I don't think so about the navy one, please pass it on. Thanks. I had not heard these court ones but gather they are not new. That's me, always]behind the times!

RE: Order in court please!!

Michael Woodhouse — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 23:13:48 GMT

I first heard that in the 90's via chain emails.

I take it you are familiar with the US navy radio conversation one?