Seasonal elf & safety

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 08:19:32 GMT

Christmas Carols - please abide by these rules... HEALTH AND SAFETY

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the reddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Mark Hedberg — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 19:30:36 GMT

[quote user="Clive Ansell"]

Equally stupid was Birmingham city council's use of the word winterval to describe events taking place in the December period in 1997-98.

[/quote]

At least this one is moderately creative.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:50:33 GMT

[quote user="Hannah Wynne Richards"]

Why the objection to baa baa black sheep My memory is the rhyme didn't go on to say anything nasty about the sheep In fact it was a very nice sheep who volunarily gave away 3 bags of it's wool

Wynne

[/quote]

I don't where the objection to the word black comes from, or why. maybe just some local authorities (mis)interpretation of rules. My sister teacher tells me they are not allowed to use the term blackboard, it is now a chalkboard. They can however have a whiteboard - nonsense.

Equally stupid was Birmingham city council's use of the word winterval to describe events taking place in the December period in 1997-98.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Evelyn Barbour-Hill — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:12:35 GMT

[quote user="Bob Russell"] Our bank manager did not send us a Christmas card but did send us a Happy New Year one[/quote]

Remember when cards used to say "Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year" ?

[quote user="Bob Russell"]My grandmother used to use the term gay for anyone who was particularly happy![/quote]

Only our grandmother, Bob? You can't be that young.

[quote user="Hannah Wynne Richards"]Yes some old novels (early editions which haven't been PC tidied up ) can be hilariously funny when read with a modern meaning to the term gay[/quote]

Modern slang meaning, you mean."Gay" was private slang amongst homosexuals for years, then only about ten years ago it suddenly started popping up everywhere: deliberately promoted I suspect. (Strange, because homosexuals wish to to be taken seriously and accepted as normal, so why adopt a word with nuances of frivolity and triviality?) Newspapers loved it, though, because it's a short word. Then the BBC adopted it and the word was done for.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Hannah Wynne Richards — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:13:13 GMT

Yes some old novels (early editions which haven't been PC tidied up ) can be hilariously funny when read with a modern meaning to the term gay I mean since when did the flags at a garden fete have a sexual orientation ? Try some Agatha Christies,or Dorothy Sayers

Wynne

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Bob Russell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 13:29:41 GMT

The healthiest way to tackle all of this is humour! Our bank manager did not send us a Christmas card but did send us a Happy New Year one! A few years ago a school changed the nursery rhyme to Baa, Baa, Rainbow Sheep!

This all says more about the people that make the daft changes to perceived sensitivities that most people are completely oblivious to. I have not read anything in the slightest racist about any of the posts. My grandmother used to use the term gay for anyone who was particularly happy!

Happy Winterval!!!!

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Hannah Wynne Richards — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 12:33:46 GMT

I saw orange sheep back in the eighties There was a fashion for a bright orange sheep dip, so those that went through the dip 1st were definitely colourfulfor a few weeks after-but I agree political correctness gone mad Apart from anything else "a person who is not tall" is so long-winded

Why the objection to baa baa black sheep My memory is the rhyme didn't go on to say anything nasty about the sheep In fact it was a very nice sheep who volunarily gave away 3 bags of it's wool

Wynne

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 12:22:21 GMT

I am not offended by Amanda's response to me, I am not racist in any way and if I caused any offence I have already apologised for it - no worries.

I am still confused these days as to which terms are PC and which are not, in my above post maybe Dwarf, Obese and Lesbian should not be used, I don't know - load of nonsense anyway. One could say "a person that is not tall", "a not thin person", "a person with BMI >30" what can one say in place of Lesbian?, homosexual or gay? . Come to think of it, I should not have said "white" person, as we are told we cannot say black or coloured??

At the primary school of a VN I am working with, they sing baa baa **** sheep every day. **** is a different colour every day, for example it will be orange sheep one day, and green the next, but they cannot use the word black - it is utter nonsense and should be challenged in my view. I was brought up on a farm and have been a vet 15 years, and I have never seen an orange, yellow or purple sheep. How else does one describe "black" ?

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Arlo Guthrie — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 10:59:41 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"][quote user="amanda nicholls"]

I see Jim Davidson has started posting on here,

I doubt as a white middle class educated male you've experienced nuch racism. FYI cast is spelt caste when used in the context you have used it in and I am offended by your casual use of an outdated derogatory term, will we see the N word in your next post?[/quote]

I find your tone far more offensive than Clive's. There was no hint of anything other than humour in what he said. If you felt his description inappropriate you could have said so without accusing him so openly of racism, when you know nothing about him.

His polite reply spoke volumes.[/quote]

C'mon, let's not make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Bob Russell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:07:41 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]

[quote user="amanda nicholls"]

I see Jim Davidson has started posting on here,

[/quote]

His polite reply spoke volumes.

[/quote]

i have to say I agree! For most of us living ordinary lives it can be difficult to identify which terms are now considered offensive and which are not. Many of those that seem to get offended are the ones with the problem IMO.

I had to smile when I saw the CAFCASS (Child welfare report) on my niece and they used dual heritage rather than dual nationality etc. My daughter does not have English as a second language, she is bilingual according to the Education Authority!

A mad world and a confusing one for most of us!

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Gillian Mostyn — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:29:30 GMT

[quote user="amanda nicholls"]

I see Jim Davidson has started posting on here,

[/quote]

His polite reply spoke volumes.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Bob Russell — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:34:55 GMT

We are going through the courts to get a residence order for my niece (family issues I am afraid). She is described as dual heritage!! This seems to be the new soft and cuddly 'PC' term being used by the court system!

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:47:48 GMT

I'm sorry I certainly didn't mean to offend, I didn't know half caste was an outdated derogatory term? what term should one use to describe someone of mixed race in this over politically correct age?

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Amanda Nicholls — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:59:52 GMT

I see Jim Davidson has started posting on here,

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Hannah Wynne Richards — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:55:19 GMT

Actually obese and smoking are no-nos, but alllright if you take illegal drugs Christianity a no-ni, but other religions ok

Wynne

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:26:23 GMT

And don't even think of trying to adopt the infant. The process will take 5-6 years, will involve a 140 page application form, and you will have to answer questions such as; do you have a fire drill in your home? do you go to church? and do you have sex when match of the day is on?. If your white, educated and middle class no chance, but more likely if your a half cast lesbian obese dwarf that has had gender altering surgery.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Bob Russell — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:02:37 GMT

The Christmas story must be put off until 25th January to give time for the criminal records checks to come back. Some idiot has given everyone a holiday starting 20th December until 7th January (except for veterinary surgeons) and this is causing delays in processing such requests.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Evelyn Barbour-Hill — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:35:44 GMT

[quote user="Hannah Wynne Richards"]

What about 3 heads of state invading a sovereign territory ?

Wynne

[/quote]

Nah, Herod said it was OK.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Hannah Wynne Richards — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:04:35 GMT

What about 3 heads of state invading a sovereign territory ?

Wynne

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

mariette asselbergs — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:04:48 GMT

"assorted kings/shepherds have been positively vetted before they are allowed to visit an infant"

And pre-movement TB tested, unless they have a sole occupancy authorization but then they still have to inform the local authorities of any stock movement.....

Mariette

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Clive Ansell — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:32:20 GMT

All animals must be screened for E.coli O157, a full 47 page risk assessment completed, and disclaimers signed in case they bite or kick.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Evelyn Barbour-Hill — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:24:06 GMT

No shepherds. E.coli.

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Hannah Wynne Richards — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 11:07:52 GMT

Jill I presume the innkeper has obtained planning consent for his stable conversion to residential use,and the assorted kings/shepherds have been positively vetted before they are allowed to visit an infant

Wynne

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Bob Russell — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 11:26:20 GMT

Very smug smiley 6/7 but I actually did know two of the answers.

A big however though.........

Playing with conkers is banned at one of our local schools - fact!!!

Re: Seasonal elf & safety

Tony Knapp — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 10:17:46 GMT

1/7, apparently I am an accident waiting to happen, but at least I will have tinsel, see the conckers with which I am playing and able to take part in the pancake race...