Penguin jokes.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Anthony Todd — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:55:13 GMT

Seeing we've got onto Essex jokes I think it was Simon Barnes, of The Times, who described Australia as being like "Essex on a hot day"

You all probably heard the explosion of indignation from the Australian intelligensia, quoted out of context; etc. etc.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Clive Ansell — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:35:02 GMT

How do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm?

She drops her chips.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Gerry Henry — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:28:26 GMT

What do Essex girls use for contraception?

Their personality.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Clive Ansell — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 10:51:24 GMT

Oh God, we're on to Essex girl jokes now.

What do Essex girls use for protection?

- - - - bus shelter

Re: Penguin jokes.

Martin Atkinson — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:52:40 GMT

A 10 year Essex old girl goes to the hairdresser with her mum and to keep her quiet her mum gives a muffin to eat. The girl accidentally drops the muffin and the hairdresser says. 'careful, you'll get hair on your muffin', to which the little girl replies, 'yeah, and I'll grow tits as well'.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Niall Taylor — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 17:28:50 GMT

[quote user="Anthony Todd"]2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .... replied the patient.. [/quote]

My mum tells a version of this one where the punch line has the patient replying "yeth, and I'm only thixthteen"!

Niall

Re: Penguin jokes.

Clive Ansell — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:32:04 GMT

What's 8 inches and no longer gets sucked?

- - - - - Jimmy Saville's cigar

Re: Penguin jokes.

Anthony Todd — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:54:15 GMT

Seeing thread drift has crept in, and lowered the tone, I might add, here is something from a mate.

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .... replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ......' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ......'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Re: Penguin jokes.

Martin Atkinson — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 16:57:02 GMT

A man goes into a bar with his dog and the bartender says, 'sorry, no dogs allowed'. The man says, 'ah yes, but this is no ordinary dog, he can talk'. The barman says, 'OK if you can prove he can talk I'll let you stay and give you a free pint, ask him to say something'. So the man asks the dog, 'what's the opposite of smooth', and the dog answers, 'ruff'. He then asks,'whats the outside of a tree called', and dog goes, 'bark'. Finally he asks, 'what's the top of a house called', and the dog answers, 'rooff'. The barman chucks them both out on the street. As they dust themselves down dog then says to his master, 'exactly which answer did I get wrong then?'.

Apologies if I've told that one before.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Thomas Johnson — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 11:45:06 GMT

[quote user="Arlo Guthrie"]

This one just in ...

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

[/quote]

An alternative last line:

"Thit no! What sort of pervert do you think I am!"

Re: Penguin jokes.

Mark Frost — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 07:55:30 GMT

Went to a zoo... there was only one dog there.. it was a shih tzu.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Neil Wheadon — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:51:51 GMT

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be £10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At £10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Re: Penguin jokes.

Arlo Guthrie — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:16:44 GMT

This one just in ...

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

Re: Penguin jokes.

Niall Taylor — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:39:41 GMT

What's black and white and can't walk down narrow alley ways?..

A penguin with a spear through its chest!

Ok, pretty sick really...

Niall

Re: Penguin jokes.

Rob Reid — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:40:49 GMT

I gave my wife a penguin bar as a birthday present this year. She looked up at me and said, "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Yes," I replied, "and on the inside there's a chocolate covered biscuit."

Re: Penguin jokes.

Martin Atkinson — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:47:07 GMT

So in keeping with really bad animal jokes (sorry don't know any penguin ones):Two rabbits go our for lunch and have cheese toasties. Still feeling hungry they order another round but the waitress says she's sorry but they only have one cheese left but there is a ham toastie. So one rabbit has cheese and one has the ham. Later the one who had the cheese and ham toastie falls seriously ill. His companion asks what the problem is and the first rabbit groans, 'mixed up my toasties'.

Re: Penguin jokes.

Gillian Mostyn — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:18:43 GMT

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Re: Penguin jokes.

Cat Henstridge — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:55:20 GMT

I heard one today as well!

What is a Shih Tzu?

One without penguins!

I know, its dreadful and it took me an embarrasingly long time to get it as well!

Cat

Re: Penguin jokes.

Wren — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:59:33 GMT

[quote user="Mark Hedberg"]Never read this joke while drinking a cup of tea. My computer's a right mess now, thanks! :p

[/quote]

Ditto, and no-one in the office is now capable of answering the phone!

Re: Penguin jokes.

Mark Hedberg — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:29:22 GMT

Never read this joke while drinking a cup of tea. My computer's a right mess now, thanks! :p